And sometimes, you need that simple reminder that you're ready to trust again.
Hey there Reader-
Buckle up, this is a dense one, one that has taken me all month to land and authentically communicate with you....
TRUST. One. loaded. 5 letter. mother. fucker. Trust is a key component in building our personal and world view, but even more so, it is the point guard in cultivating our interpersonal relationships. It really does call all the shots, sometimes by subconscious default. Well, more like subconscious defense. Sports references, we love ‘em. However, the word “trust” has been implemented into cliche phrases thrown around heedlessly by instagram influencers; “All you have to do is trust the journey” or “Trust the process. ” I’ve been told this a number of times by people I trust a lot. I’ve also used this cliche a number of times with my students. When we confide in someone about our self limiting beliefs that are thwarting our ability to go after what we want most in this life, one of the most common pieces of advice we receive is “trust the process.” All the while, many of us think to ourselves “ Waaaaait….whaaaaaat?! What about my childhood trauma?! What about my lived and learned experience?! What about my trust issues?! What is a trust issue?! Where do those even come from? Why? What? How?!!!” AHHHHHHH!!!
Trust is no joke. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. It can either unlock serious potential when we tap in or cause serious damage if we tap out. That being said, our ability to trust is shaped by our conditioning and furthermore any trauma we experience. These are often referred to as “lived and learned experiences.” I am certain you have endured countless hardships that have tainted your ability to trust. Dido, my friend. This year most certainly has done a number on our trigger and trust system. How is it possible to walk around trusting a world that has (in many different ways) turned its back on us?
SPOILER: I have no concrete answer for this. I hope you know at this point that what I write here is not gospel truth. I will say this. In my experience, while over trusting has left me hurt, ashamed, and helpless at times, trust has also proven to be a gateway to fortifying meaningful relationships both with myself and the world around me. It is my belief that at the core of our existence, we have the inherent fundamental right to belong as human beings. Every decision we make, whether it’s choosing a life partner (well moreover whether or not we want to have one), career path, whether or not we want roma or cherry tomatoes at the grocery store and furthermore if we want to buy them organic, requires a baseline of trust. Deciding on anything, really, requires that we trust, as much as possible, our intentions for doing what we do, and the outcome that waits for us on the other side.
Trusting has and always will remain one of my biggest life practices. I grew up with the notion that I couldn’t be trusted, and so I acted out. I still do in some ways to this day sabotage myself on account of my trust issues. It was the sole reason I didn’t feel like committing to any relationship for the longest time. It’s the reason I have a hard time responding to the mistakes I make on account of my attachment to them. It’s the reason I have a hard time accepting that maybe people want to do nice things for me when I’m in trouble, and it’s not because I’m an obligation or a burden, but they actually want to. Feel familiar? It’s bizarre, really, for many of us to think we are worthy of that kind of reciprocity. We don’t trust it’s real.
At the end of March, I quit my job at lululemon after 4 and a half years. I have worked multiple jobs since moving to Portland and since 2018, I have worked for three: BurnCycle, YoYoYogi, and lululemon. In Fall of 2020, I took a 3 week mental leave. This was the longest amount of time I have taken off work. At the tail end of my time off, I took a solo road trip through Bandon, Oregon all the way down to Crescent City, home to the world's oldest and largest Redwood trees. Big Daddies. We are talking 3,000 years old. I vividly remember my last day. I made it to the turn around spot of my hike, and I looked back at the trees and said “ Listen to me. I am going to leave my job in 6 months, Backroads will reach out again, and I am going to be ok.” Key phrase here: I am going to be ok. How often do you hear someone with anxiety affirm themselves this way? I am going to be ok. This became my mantra for the next 6 months as I pushed through anxiety and depression in order to leave my job on a good note.It was one of the scariest things I not only manifested but ended up making a reality. Full transparency, most people would have been financially more prepared. I simply said “fuck it, my mental health comes first.”
**For the record, I want to disclose that I feel very fortunate to have worked for lululemon. I strongly believe in the work the company is committed to dismantling, not to mention, they gave me an incredible network and platform to do what I love to do. I believe we outgrow things simply not meant for us anymore, and while my body and my general goals no longer matched working full time in retail, the company is outstanding and I am beyond grateful for all the transferable life skill lululemon gave me to get me to the place I am standing in today.
It’s been nearly a month, and it hasn’t been easy. I am directly in the “in between” as my friend Lianne mentioned in a spin class I took with her recently. She pointed at me, and said “ Dana Spitz, everybody, the queen of in betweens.” And I thought to myself “huh, that is one of the realest observations anyone has ever cared to notice” and also “ but why? Why me? Why am I always in between and am I nailing it? I have no idea? But the attention is great I guess?!” For 4 years I have consistently run myself to the ground, taught 8-10 classes a week, worked a full time job, would get sick, and do all the jobs anyways. I would go back and forth with the idea of leaving the full time job, leaving fitness, taking a job just because it pays well even if I was miserable but also rich. Finally, I had enough of it, so I stripped the one job that gave me the most sense of security and here I am, choosing to trust that it will all come together. Yikes. I recognize I have the privilege to choose, because I have people in my corner. Let me set the record straight : it doesn’t feel great to ask your parents for help, especially when they never let you forget that this is a pattern. And as much as you want to fight them on it you’re like “yes, I have in many ways put myself in this situation but also I AM WORKING REALLY HARD, I GO TO BED BY 9…...OK 10, WAIT 11pm, BUT I PROMISE I’M BEING GOOD AND I DON’T KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME…” When we fall back into toxic and habitual behavior patterns we think shape us, we are reminded by that self limiting belief that we are not good enough and this always happens to us. Little do we know, however, there is a whole new wave of healthier behavior patterns on the other side. We think to ourselves “ I will never be able to leave that job, I will never be able to leave that relationship.” Many times, we stay there for a while out of need, or simply because we’re not ready. Until we are ready….
Where does trust bring us on our yoga mat? Honestly, it brings us endless possibilities, all having to do with more liberation. I would say in my experience, trust has enabled me to practice advocacy with how I practice and how I connect to my body. I say to my students often: “Be your best advocate and take ownership for your choices on the mat. No one owns you.” For example, if chatarungas aren’t in your best interest, do without them. If closing your eyes triggers you, keep them open. We get so lost in the hierarchy of postures that we forget the diversity of experience each individual is having during a class; even the journey it took to GET them to the mat. If we don’t trust our bodies, we ignore alerts to keep us safe. We ignore the dialogue. Because it scares us. Trust helps us build courage to be in constant conversation. I like to call my classes a moving dialogue, because we are very much holding a space for conversation with our bodies as we move through a variety of emotions and insecurities. Building trust on the yoga mat helps us discern which postures coincide with our needs, what we are capable of taking in, and furthermore, what capacity we have to take this practice with us outside of the mat space.
What we really need are two things. One: a sincere signal that we are ready. I truly believe we’re never too late, and we’re never too early, ( I mean unless you have to be somewhere then obviously let’s use time management and get there on time). Two: a reminder moment. The moment where a person or a place reinstates our ability to trust again. A single moment. A single opportunity. I guess I don’t totally hate when someone says “trust the process” because what they are really saying is “buckle up because it will unfold but you have to pass through some seriously shitty terrain to get there.” But what i’m also saying is, it’s PERFECTLY FINE, if you have a problem with that phrase. In fact, it’s normal. Nobody knows our deepest struggles but us. All we got to do is keep our eyes up for that moment. That single exchange, that single opportunity to remind us that trust is available to us even when we feel downtrodden and lost. That person that has always been in your corner, that customer service agent that lowered your monthly bill. We are worthy of those reminders. We are worthy of trusting again.
Until next time,
Dana A. Spitz
